2 or 3 months later in 24 hours

Do you remember last night when I said I hate you? Do you remember how I said I would never forgive you and that I would wish you all the bad things that happened?
I will not ask if you remember how I went to sleep thinking I would never be happy again and that my life was destroyed without you,. I will not ask if you remember how I  couldn't sleep and woke up every 10 minutes feeling sick and not knowing what to do. I will not ask if you remember how I spent the whole day holding my tears so I didn't cry in front of my whole family and how I couldn't eat anything because I was feeling so sad because of you. I will not ask you if you remember those things because you don't even know it happened, I never told you that, and of course I wouldn't...I deleted you of my life, just like you asked me to.

24 hours later I am here, I am here because I can't go to you to say that, otherwise I don't know how you would react or what you could do. I am here because I finally truly understood that this was supposed to happen, that we were supposed to be over, that we does not exist anymore. I am me, and you are you, and we do not work out together. However, now everything I wanted to do was say thank you. Thank you for hurting me so bad that I wasn't even able to hide it from my family. Because of this wound I had the chance to talk about things I had never talked before to my mom, I had the chance to say things that were stuck in my chest a long time and she was able to tell me things that she was afraid of telling someone else. I thank you for making this conversation happen so I could see that my life is more than me and you as a couple (ok, the good memories will always be here and I will always see you as someone I loved) and more about me going after my dreams and my happiness.

Sorry for not telling everything I should have told you. This everything includes the times I cheated on you and you have no idea, or that I travelled to see someone else while you thought I was visiting a friend, or the people I slept with but you have no idea because I was "with my friends". Sorry for thinking I could make you change to fit my ideals. I am sure you will find someone who loves you like you are and that you will not have to think so much before acting so you do not loose this someone. Sorry for the times I made you cry and get upset. I was an asshole, you were an asshole.

We used to say that our relationship only lasted because of the fights, that it wasn't boring and easy as the other ones, and how wrong we were. We created that fucked up reality so we could accept our relationships and didn't have to get out of our comfort zone. We were silly for sure. We didn't communicate, we didn't hear each other, we didn't accept sooner that everything was wrong. Me and you were never supposed to happen for so long, I was not supposed to message on on the next morning, you were not supposed to ask me to be your boyfriend, we were just not supposed to.

But this end, this was supposed to, and the life I will have now and the life you will have now, maybe they are not supposed to be how it is going to be, for now, but I am sure one day it will be. Well.. at least I know mine will be, because you gave me the opportunity to open my eyes and see that what I deserve is not what we had, is much more than that, is real love, the most innocent and kindest one.

You will probably never read this, but if you do, now you know everything that I always wanted to take out of my chest but was never brave enough to do. Now you probably now that we were really not supposed to happen, and that you don't actually love me like you think you do. You now probably hate me, and I don't blame you. I just hope you find the right moment or the right someone to show you that, like I found my mum.

Good bye and thanks for the good memories. We may not be good as boyfriends or loved ones, but I am sure we are good as friends, we just needed the slap to see this.

an easy letter to a (still) rough someone

October, 2016

And during those 9 days without you I:

-          - watched the 9 snapchats that you’ve sent maybe one or maybe ten times each

-          - looked through all our pictures (and edited some of them, so I could send to you when you started speaking to each other again)

-         -  listened to our songs, and cried of course, more times than I can even count

-          - spoke about you to everyone around me most of the time

-          - compared all the boys that I “flirted with” with you (and they were so boring, oh my god)

-          - planed how I would travel there and surprise you next year

-          - checked my phone every time I had a new message hopping it was from you

-          - dreamed about you twice, or maybe three times, and woke up just wanting to go back to sleep

-          - drank 2 bottles of wine and cried over you

-          - downloaded all the dating apps, and then deleted all of them

-          - sent some snapchats hoping you would see and speak to me (what didn’t happen)

During those 9 days without you in my life I hoped that the next day would be different, and after 9 fucking long days it was. After those 9 fucking days I realised that I love you more than anyone I have ever loved in my life and that I never want to lose you again, doesn’t matter if we will see each other in only 6 months or 1 year, a day without you is not worth it.

letter of a spoiled child who lost something

Remember how I always asked you about your day and was always worried about you, what you would be doing or if you had friends somewhere and wouldn’t feel alone? I still do. I still worry that you haven’t met anyone on your first week of class, I still think about your jobs, if people are treating you well, if you are pissed off at most of the staff there and don’t agree with what they are saying. I still think about your flatmates that are boring or overreact in order to impress everyone around, and I know how it annoys you. Sometimes I regret not giving so much importance to all those complaints that you used to make (at least for me, now I imagine you have someone new to hear your problems, just hope I am a better listener) because now I miss them so much, I miss how you used to breath before telling me some annoying situation that happened to you on that day, how I used to think “oh my god here we go again” but with a smile on my face. I wish I could call you right now in the middle of the night, wake you up, make you worried about me just to hear your tired voice, and not understand half of the things you say. I wish I didn’t have to check on your social media every second to see if you are ok or if you have people around you to take care of you while I am not there (and you are not helping on this, thanks). But I do. We do need this, we need to grow up, we need to understand more about ourselves before we can be together again (I know it will happen, do not worry). We need to cry now (at least I do), we need to miss each other so we can know the importance of our relationship (rip for now, but not for ever), we need to wait for a message from each other every second of the day and look at old pictures of happy times. We need this. I need you.

a rough letter to a rough someone

22/09/16

*Foundations starts playing, now for real*

You may think I really don’t care about your or about your feelings, you may think that everything I’ve done was thinking about myself, and that I really didn’t care about that times I hurt you and that I was being dramatic when I complained about something. I am even sure you will think this text is too much, and this is me trying to be the centre of attention as the one that is suffering the most.

However, the truth is not that. The truth is that I already miss your smell (that most of the times was my smell, thanks for that), I miss the way you moaned when eating something, miss you tired face when getting home all pink and cold, asking for a drink or a massage, I miss your calls when drunk asking for me or joining you on your drunkenness and dancing for our happiness (and nothing more mattered) , I miss how I used to feel angry and just wanted to give you sleeping pills so I could stay in peace for some minutes. I miss making plans for the future that involved both of us, our sons, dog and learning a different language. Even though the present and the future may seem dark, I will always have the past, I will have the us we were before, the us that lasted for so long if we take into consideration it’s been in danger since the first second, the first time I offered you a bottle of cheap wine so I could make you drunk and take you to my room. The same time I doubted I would message you the next day. We were doomed by them (well, at least I was, I just didn’t realise it).

Even though you may hate me and all my dramas and problems right now I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for being patient, thanks for being by my side, thanks for making plans with me (I will always have some hope on them), thanks for plan trips with me and screwing them and giving me heart attacks, thanks for staying late for me and not killing me when I complained about some of your attitude. Thanks for being you and for accepting me for who I am, even if now we need to follow our lives separately and grow and discover more about us and each other.

I didn’t say good bye before, and this will not be the time I will do it, so….see you, and hope you never forget me (and my arms) because I will never forget you and your special parts (your smile, your eyes, your beard).
Maybe I am right (I doubt it), maybe I am wrong or maybe I'm the middle of the way because I misunderstood a lot of situations because I couldn't understand what you said.

2. O Médico

Merda, o que eu vou falar pra agradar ele? Será que ele vai rir das minhas piadas? Será que eu vou entender o inglês dele. Porra!
E lá estava eu, com um celular quebrado, tentando encontrar o estudante de medicina inglês que tinha ido me buscar de carro em casa para irmos ver um filme da Disney em sua casa. Acho que essa foi uma das únicas vezes que um convite para ver filme realmente foi de verdade, que o filme não foi substituído por sexo ou quase lá.
Talvez eu seja descompensado, não... na verdade, eu sou descompensado emocionalmente, isso é certo. Mas a culpa é minha se no nosso primeiro encontro, ainda dentro do carro indo pra casa dele ele deu corda pro meu assunto de onde vamos morar quando nos casarmos e qual seria o nome do nosso cachorro? PORRA TO APAIXONADO, SEGUNDA SEMANA NESSE LUGAR E JÁ VOU ARRUMAR UM NAMORADO (o quão errado eu tava, ainda bem).
Juro que tentei evitar todas as conversas sobre medicina e comparar conhecimentos e etc, ainda mais em outra língua, mas ele insistia em falar disso e eu falava, não podia perder “meu futuro marido inglês que tinha aceitado morar em algum lugar entre Londres e Manchester”. Ok, eu queria Londres e ele queria Manchester, então essa foi a solução, desculpa deixar passar a informação sem explicar, não vai acontecer de novo (vai sim).
Lembro que foi a primeira vez que tomei um chá britânico, e ainda mais com leite, e só pensava “merda como vou cuspir isso sem ele perceber?”, mesmo com as promessas dele de que fazia o melhor chá do mundo (o mesmo gosto de todos que vim a tomar).
Filme da Disney passando, a gente abraçado, a gente se beijando em algumas partes, eu pedindo pra ele me explicar o que perdi, eu querendo ficar na casa dele pra sempre, ele não me deixando ir embora, não ia reclamar, e na verdade não reclamei. Ele tinha que buscar a amiga, me ofereceu uma carona, eu disse sim, conheci a amiga, ela já me conhecia, tchau beijos até a próxima.

Round 2
Bom, não esperem um final tão legal quanto esse. O planejamento do casamento e da casa foi trocado por “nossa dei match com seu amigo no Tinder”. O filme abraçadinho e dando vários beijos foi trocado por “minha amiga precisa de mim, já volto” e todo o tempo que passei lá não querendo ir embora virou 1 hora sozinho pesquisando qual ônibus pegar pra ir pra casa. “Oi minha amiga tá bem mal, não sei o que fazer” “Tudo bem, eu vou embora, vai dar atenção pra ela” “Obrigado, eu te levo em casa.”
Carona até em casa, clima chato dentro do carro, eu já imaginava o fim de tudo (e dessa vez eu estava certo), beijos, até a próxima.

Não teve próxima. Ele começou a namorar, eu não comecei a namorar, pelo menos ele não namorou “meu amigo que deu match no Tinder”.
Talvez eu tenha entrado no Facebook dele por meses depois disso, talvez eu tenha torcido pra que esse namoro terminasse antes que eu viesse embora? Aconteceu? Não, obrigado, ainda bem. Mas pelo menos agradeço pelo chá e pelo filme, que agora entrou pra minha lista de filmes favoritos.

1. O turco

E lá estava ele, o menino brasileiro indo morar fora por 1 ano, e disposto a ter o máximo de experiencias possíveis. Aquele era o seu primeiro final de semana naquela cidade que ele nem tinha certeza se gostava, mas que seria sua casa gostasse ele ou não. Ele precisava de sexo, ele precisava treinar seu inglês e conhecer pessoas novas (e sempre fazer as mesmas piadas para tentar conquistar). 
E lá estava ele, batendo na porta do outro rapaz, de uma antiga igreja que havia sido transformada em residência de estudantes. Era frio, ele usava um moletom e brincava de soprar fumaça pela boca enquanto esperava a porta ser aberta. O interior era como de qualquer outro prédio de acomodação estudantil (primeira decepção). O rapaz era Turco, moreno, forte e até bastante simpático, entretanto a cada frase que ele falava, o rapaz pedia para ele falar um pouco mais baixo para não atrapalhar quem estava em volta (segunda decepção). Bom, se ele esperava por alguém que fosse falar que tudo ficaria bem e que aquela era a cidade ideal, esse rapaz não era a melhor opção, pois ele apenas disse que lá era horrível e que ele nunca se encaixaria (terceira decepção).
Cansado de conversar eles começaram a se beijar, e em alguns segundos ele já apalpava o pênis do rapaz com vontade de colocá-lo para fora e sentí-lo dentro da sua boca, e assim o fez. Naquele quarto minúsculo, sem poder fazer muito barulho, ele teve o seu primeiro sexo naquela nova cidade, com aquela pessoa que ele nem se lembra o nome e que tantas coisas negativas disse (e que estavam completamente erradas). Ele via o rosto de prazer do rapaz, entretanto não podia ouvir os gemidos, pois eram abafados, afinal não queriam acordar os vizinhos.
Pouco menos de 40 minutos depois de chegar ele se despedia do rapaz, colocava seu moletom e partia para a caminhada para casa levando consigo um misto de felicidade (afinal estava dada a largada de sexo sem fronteiras) e um pouco de medo e decepção (por morar naquela cidade “chata”).