2 or 3 months later in 24 hours

Do you remember last night when I said I hate you? Do you remember how I said I would never forgive you and that I would wish you all the bad things that happened?
I will not ask if you remember how I went to sleep thinking I would never be happy again and that my life was destroyed without you,. I will not ask if you remember how I  couldn't sleep and woke up every 10 minutes feeling sick and not knowing what to do. I will not ask if you remember how I spent the whole day holding my tears so I didn't cry in front of my whole family and how I couldn't eat anything because I was feeling so sad because of you. I will not ask you if you remember those things because you don't even know it happened, I never told you that, and of course I wouldn't...I deleted you of my life, just like you asked me to.

24 hours later I am here, I am here because I can't go to you to say that, otherwise I don't know how you would react or what you could do. I am here because I finally truly understood that this was supposed to happen, that we were supposed to be over, that we does not exist anymore. I am me, and you are you, and we do not work out together. However, now everything I wanted to do was say thank you. Thank you for hurting me so bad that I wasn't even able to hide it from my family. Because of this wound I had the chance to talk about things I had never talked before to my mom, I had the chance to say things that were stuck in my chest a long time and she was able to tell me things that she was afraid of telling someone else. I thank you for making this conversation happen so I could see that my life is more than me and you as a couple (ok, the good memories will always be here and I will always see you as someone I loved) and more about me going after my dreams and my happiness.

Sorry for not telling everything I should have told you. This everything includes the times I cheated on you and you have no idea, or that I travelled to see someone else while you thought I was visiting a friend, or the people I slept with but you have no idea because I was "with my friends". Sorry for thinking I could make you change to fit my ideals. I am sure you will find someone who loves you like you are and that you will not have to think so much before acting so you do not loose this someone. Sorry for the times I made you cry and get upset. I was an asshole, you were an asshole.

We used to say that our relationship only lasted because of the fights, that it wasn't boring and easy as the other ones, and how wrong we were. We created that fucked up reality so we could accept our relationships and didn't have to get out of our comfort zone. We were silly for sure. We didn't communicate, we didn't hear each other, we didn't accept sooner that everything was wrong. Me and you were never supposed to happen for so long, I was not supposed to message on on the next morning, you were not supposed to ask me to be your boyfriend, we were just not supposed to.

But this end, this was supposed to, and the life I will have now and the life you will have now, maybe they are not supposed to be how it is going to be, for now, but I am sure one day it will be. Well.. at least I know mine will be, because you gave me the opportunity to open my eyes and see that what I deserve is not what we had, is much more than that, is real love, the most innocent and kindest one.

You will probably never read this, but if you do, now you know everything that I always wanted to take out of my chest but was never brave enough to do. Now you probably now that we were really not supposed to happen, and that you don't actually love me like you think you do. You now probably hate me, and I don't blame you. I just hope you find the right moment or the right someone to show you that, like I found my mum.

Good bye and thanks for the good memories. We may not be good as boyfriends or loved ones, but I am sure we are good as friends, we just needed the slap to see this.

an easy letter to a (still) rough someone

October, 2016

And during those 9 days without you I:

-          - watched the 9 snapchats that you’ve sent maybe one or maybe ten times each

-          - looked through all our pictures (and edited some of them, so I could send to you when you started speaking to each other again)

-         -  listened to our songs, and cried of course, more times than I can even count

-          - spoke about you to everyone around me most of the time

-          - compared all the boys that I “flirted with” with you (and they were so boring, oh my god)

-          - planed how I would travel there and surprise you next year

-          - checked my phone every time I had a new message hopping it was from you

-          - dreamed about you twice, or maybe three times, and woke up just wanting to go back to sleep

-          - drank 2 bottles of wine and cried over you

-          - downloaded all the dating apps, and then deleted all of them

-          - sent some snapchats hoping you would see and speak to me (what didn’t happen)

During those 9 days without you in my life I hoped that the next day would be different, and after 9 fucking long days it was. After those 9 fucking days I realised that I love you more than anyone I have ever loved in my life and that I never want to lose you again, doesn’t matter if we will see each other in only 6 months or 1 year, a day without you is not worth it.